Domestic violence affects millions of people across the world. It can take many forms with no two domestic violence incidents being the same. The impacts are devastating, and victims often feel trapped, isolated, and powerless. However, breaking free from domestic violence is possible. There is help available for those suffering. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, it’s crucial to know the signs, understand how to advocate, and find resources for support.

Identifying Domestic Violence

One of the biggest barriers of ending domestic violence is identifying it in the first place. Abuse is not often easily visible, especially to partners who are actively living with abuse. Because domestic violence is identified by a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control, a tool called the Power and Control Wheel (created by Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN) is a great illustration to identify abusive and violent behavior (https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/). These are the behaviors identified:

• Intimidation: Creating fear through looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying property or displaying weapons.
• Emotional Abuse: Undermining the victim’s sense of self-worth through making them feel bad about themselves, calling them names, making them think they’re crazy, playing mind games, humiliating them, or making them feel guilty.
• Isolation: Controlling what they do, who they see and talk to, where they go, limiting their outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.
• Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Making light of the abuse and not taking their concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, claiming they caused it.
• Children: Making them feel guilty about children, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass them, threatening to take the children away.
• Privilege: Treating them like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like “master of the castle”, being the one to define relationship roles without input.
• Economic Abuse: Preventing them from getting or keeping a job, making them ask for money, giving an allowance, taking their money, not letting them know about or have access to family income.
• Coercion and Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt them, threatening to leave them, threatens to commit suicide, threatens to report/embarrass/out them to agency or community, pressures them to commit illegal actions.

It’s important to recognize that these tactics can manifest in a variety of ways. Often, the abuser’s “rules” are not clearly stated. For example, if an abuser is isolating their partner from loved ones, they may not directly say, “you can’t see your family.” Instead, they might create a negative experience each time their partner tries to visit family while criticizing them and constantly calling them to check in while they’re gone. Over time, the abused partner is likely to avoid family interactions in order to avoid conflict altogether.

Abusers rarely reveal their true nature immediately. In the early stages of the relationship, they can appear to be loving, attentive, caring, and an ideal partner. Their manipulation gradually unfolds. Between episodes of abuse, the abuser may have moments of affection and kindness, leaving the victim holding onto hope that the loving person they know will come back.

Advocating for Domestic Violence Survivors

When someone you care about is a victim of abuse, it can be heartbreaking and challenging to know what to do. Here is how you can effectively advocate:

• Listen without judgement: Survivors often feel intense shame, fear, or they even believe they are responsible for the abuse they have received. Offering a nonjudgmental ear can make a world of difference. Avoid comments such as “just leave” or “fight back”, which imply fault on the victim.
• Believe Them: Many survivors fear they won’t be believed, especially when the abuse isn’t visible. Trusting their story is key to their healing process and courage to reach out for help.
• Empower Them: Survivors likely spent their time in their intimate relationship being belittled and undermined by their abuser, making it difficult to take steps to leave. Empowerment in the form of judgement-free support can look like helping create a safety plan, reminding them of their strength, or sitting with them while they call someone for help.
• Support Without Pressure: While it’s natural to want a loved one to leave immediately, the decision must come from them. Respect their autonomy and timeline. Any resources provided must be offered without pressure and with gentle support.
• Know the Resources: Often times, a victim may not be able to safety research their options due to their abuser having eyes on their phone/computer/etc. Giving them resources can help them know what to do. Offer information about local shelters, legal assistance, hotlines, and counseling services/support groups. Some resources include:
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • Text “START” to 88788 for confidential support via text.
  • Local Shelters

If You Are a Victim, You Are Not Alone

If you are experiencing domestic violence, or if the power and control descriptors describe your situation, know that your experience is unique to you, but you are not alone. What has happened is not your fault. You have a right to be treated with respect, love, and dignity. Leaving an abusive situation can be overwhelming. You are likely to have trouble seeing how you could make it out the other side. By taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, you can do it!

Here are some steps that can help you towards your freedom and healing:

• Acknowledge the Abuse: Recognize that what you are experiencing is not acceptable treatment. Abuse is never
• Create a Safety Plan: Take extra measures before leaving an abusive situation. This may include keeping a packed bag with essentials (including important documents), identifying safe places to go, memorizing key phone numbers, and changing passwords.
• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, and professionals. Contact local domestic violence shelters, counseling, and legal help. Many services are confidential and can assist in making the safest choice.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Abusers often wear down their partner’s sense of self-worth. Remind yourself daily that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. No one has the right to control you or harm you.

Moving Forward: Healing and Hope

Leaving an abusive relationship is just the beginning of a journey toward healing. While the process may feel long and daunting, remember that you are not defined by your abuse. With time, you will reclaim your sense of self and rebuild a life filled with joy, safety, and freedom.

Engaging in counseling and support groups can offer a path toward emotional healing, where you can process the trauma, learn coping strategies, and rebuild confidence. Surrounding yourself with a community of support—whether it’s family, friends, or fellow survivors—can also provide the encouragement needed to keep moving forward.

Domestic violence thrives in silence. By speaking out, supporting one another, and advocating for change, we can break the cycle. Leaving is a brave step, but it’s not one you have to take alone. Support is out there, and brighter days are ahead.

If you’re a survivor of domestic violence, you are strong. You are resilient. And there is a community ready to stand by your side as you reclaim your life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788. Help is available 24/7.

Owens Counseling is also ready to partner with you and support you on your journey towards healing.

Phone: 847-854-4333 Email: admin@owenscounseling.com