Why Feeling Your Emotions is a Strength… NOT a Weakness!

By Lori Kaniewski, MS, NCC, LCPC (IL), LPC (MO), Clinical Supervisor

Emotions… YAY! Wait, you say, “Nay?” But why? I love talking about emotions!

Feeling our emotions or even talking about it can be uncomfortable or overwhelming. Mostly because we may not know what we are feeling or why we might be feeling it. Not knowing and feeling like we cannot control how we feel can be terrifying at times. This can cause us to feel weak or too vulnerable. However, it does not need to be scary. Hopefully this can help take the mystery out of our emotions so we can be brave enough to feel them or (GASP!) share them.

Emotions are feedback mechanisms. They give us information. Decoding that information and figuring out what our emotions are wanting us to see or DO can be tricky and takes practice. Emotions often come with automatic thoughts or urges that can be misleading because the emotions are not based on logic or reason. But if we pay attention, our emotions give us clues to being on the right track or not. Emotions are very much like toddlers – when they do not get what they want, they get louder, more intense, and linger. If they get what they want, they decrease in intensity or dissolve. Valuable information!

Emotions evoke action. Without emotion, we would all rot away on our couches without a single care… for anyone or anything. That sounds more terrifying!

If we can develop a relationship with our emotions, we feel more secure, more aligned, more confident, and more connected. To do so, it can be helpful to challenge some MYTHS about emotions. One of which is found in the title of this blog!

Some Common Myths About Emotions identified in DBT and RO-DBT:

• There is a right way to feel in every situation.
• Negative feelings are bad and destructive.
• Emotions are positive or negative (good or bad).
• Being emotional means being out of control.
• If others don’t approve of my feelings, I obviously shouldn’t feel the way I do.
• Painful emotions are not important and should be ignored.
• We make our best decisions when emotions are kept out of it.
• Emotions should be controlled.
• Most people dislike emotional people.
• Feeling happy or excited is naive or childish.
• Love is only a chemical reaction.
• It is important to never let another person know what you are really feeling inside.
• It’s my job to protect people from feeling their emotions.

Any of that sound familiar? If so, let me now give you some guidance to build your strength in feeling and listening to your emotions. Warning, you may feel more connected with yourself and others if you practice listening to your emotions and gain this strength!

Purpose and Functions of Our Emotions

Anger – This is our check engine light for our life. It comes on to alert us that something is not right, something needs our attention, we need to do something about something (for example, setting a boundary), or we need to examine our expectations. It is the defend and protect emotion. It cares about wellbeing.

Disgust – This emotion indicates what is right for us. It is deeply connected to our values. When we feel this emotion, it is trying to remind us of our values and priorities so we can live according to our values.

Envy – This (often confused with jealousy) is there to show us what we might want for ourselves. It is there to highlight possible goals to aim for. We need to do the work to acknowledge and evaluate what it is showing us, to see if it is something we are willing to work for or not.

Jealousy – This emotion highlights things that are important to us and that we do not want to lose. We need to do the work to figure out how to keep the things or relationships that are important to us, because if we act on automatic thoughts or urges that come with this emotion, we end up destroying or losing what we have.

Happiness – This is the rewarding emotion. When we get it right, happiness is there to give us the ol’ at-a-boy pat on the back. This emotion shows us what is working for us and encourages us to continue.

Fear – This emotion is designed to ensure our safety and survival. All of the emotions care about us, but Fear may be at the top of that list! The struggle is, it does not care if a possible threat is real or imagined, it is going to go into protect and conserve mode without our permission.

Love – This is another rewarding emotion, however, it can be deceiving or misguided at times. It doesn’t just care, it just wants to love and be loved. Love is a larger concept than can be boiled down to a few sentences. There are many different forms of love (romantic, non-romantic, sexual, or love that is connected to items or ideas). It keeps us connected and wanting more connection.

Sadness – This emotion wants to facilitate connection. It is an indicator that we are missing or lacking connection – connection with ourselves, others, our higher power, or our passions. Sadness brings people together. Following the urges to isolate when feeling sadness causes it to grow, intensify, and linger.

Shame – This emotion wants to guide us to find our tribe, to belong, to feel accepted. The trouble with this one is that it comes with such harsh automatic thoughts and judgements on who we are as a person. It can be hard to see through the muck and let it guide us to find our tribe. Don’t fall prey to the thoughts that feel like truths with this one! Self-compassion is the key.

Guilt – This emotion facilitates learning. It places judgement on our behaviors so we can do something different in the future. It can be very uncomfortable until we tap into the lesson that we need to learn from it and carry it forward with us.

See? Not so scary.

Real courage is about feeling our emotions, understanding them, and moving through them – not suppressing or hiding them. You don’t become stronger by feeling less. You become stronger by learning how to feel – and still keep moving forward. Give it a try and see how strong you can be.

One last gentle reminder, emotions are not always based on facts. Every emotion is valid (meaning it makes sense why it is there), but not always justified (based on facts). Just because we feel it is true, does not necessarily mean that it is. It is okay to listen to our emotions and question them at the same time. That is what helps us move through them.

If you are still feeling unsure of where to start or what your emotions could be trying to tell you, any of our great clinicians at Owens Counseling are ready to help!

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