The First Holiday Without a Loved One..
By: Shannon Olson, LCSW, COO
Facing the first holiday without a loved one can feel like a quiet ache wrapped in festive noise. Whether it’s a recent loss or one that still feels fresh no matter how much time has passed, holidays tend to magnify the absence. That empty chair, the missing laugh, the traditions they made special — they all seem louder when the world expects celebration.
Being without him felt…like a betrayal. Like he should be here, but I had no control over that. He just always…was. My dad. My uncle’s brother. An uncle. I knew why he wasn’t here. There was relief given what he was going through. But it doesn’t feel like the holidays. Without him.
It’s weird and foreign and surreal. He’s been a part of my Thanksgivings since I was born. What do you mean he’s not here? He’ll never come back.
Here are some gentle reminders and thoughts that might help you through it: “I’m not okay, but everything’s going to be alright.” ~ Jelly Roll
Feel Everything (or Nothing)
Grief isn’t linear. You might feel waves of sadness, moments of laughter, guilt for enjoying something, or numbness. All of it is normal. Give yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel without judgment. Grief IS. It’s big. It’s infinite. It’s totally consuming and completely not there in moments. It’s wild and crazy and makes NO sense. Just feel it. It isn’t great, but it is human. And that’s what we all are. It’s okay to feel and be human. “I’m not alright, but everything’s gonna be okay.”
Create Space to Remember
You might light a candle, share stories, plant a tree, look through photos, or set aside time to honor them in your own way. This can bring a sense of connection, even in their absence. Everyone’s way is unique and special. My family were Lake Geneva people. We rent boats and take the ashes with us. We send up a prayer and set them free on the lake. We reminisce and laugh and laugh some more!
🌲 Change the Traditions (Or Don’t)
Some people find comfort in keeping traditions exactly the same. Others need to change them entirely. It’s okay to create new ones, especially if you think it honors them. When my dad passed, I put up a birdhouse because he loved them. You can skip the holiday altogether, travel, volunteer, or start something new. There’s no wrong choice — just the one that feels most supportive to you. I have taken ashes to many places where there are lakes, because lakes were his favorite place. Make traditions that lift your loved one up and give you a space to bring them into the festivities.
🤝 Tell People What You Need
If you’re surrounded by people, let them know what helps and what doesn’t. “Please don’t tiptoe around it,” or “Can we talk about them?” or even “I just need quiet today.” If you’re alone, consider calling someone — or writing, praying, meditating — anything that reminds you you’re not truly alone. Your lost loved one would want that for you. Never forget that.
💬 A Simple Phrase to Hold Onto
“They are not here, but they were here. And they mattered.”
That truth doesn’t disappear, even when they do.
We recognize that often it can be difficult to talk to other family members/friends about your feelings of missing a loved one, as they likely are missing that person too, so that feeling sometimes can hold us back from talking about it all.
Talk to us! If you want to talk more about the person you’re missing or how you’re feeling — or if you need help finding words for a message, a candle notes, or something to read aloud — we’re here. We can’t wait to meet you!
We can have you meet with one of our clinicians as soon as possible!