How to Rebuild Confidence After a Setback
By Kevin Lahey, LSW
We’ve all heard the term “sometimes, life just gets in the way”. It’s rarely something we’re happy to be dealing with, but it’s a fact of life for everyone. Unfortunately, there’s not any real way to know when life is going to happen and sometimes, it will end up pushing us back and stopping us from doing something we were feeling confident about. Whether it be not getting picked for a promotion or spot on the team, or even breaking that brand new instrument you were practicing on; setbacks are as varied as the different lives we all live.
Unfortunately, these setbacks often really hurt the confidence we have in ourselves. “They picked someone better, so maybe I’m not as good a pick as I thought”, or “I broke this instrument because I’m dumb and don’t care as much as I thought”. Obviously, there’s no way to type up all the different thoughts that could be had, but they usually come back to thinking less of ourselves.
Let’s make one thing clear. It’s totally okay to feel sad or angry about facing a setback. However, we have to be mindful not to stay there for too long or accept that as the only way things can be. I’ve written about a similar topic before (Managing Perfection and the Fear of Failing), and I feel it applies to the idea of building confidence after dealing with a setback. Ultimately, the goal can be to eventually try to view a setback as an opportunity to grow. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s hard to do, but it’s important to consider what “growing” could look like. Growing could mean working hard to save money and replace that broken instrument. Growing could mean taking the time to evaluate the company you work for to see if they truly value you. Growing could mean practicing hard to get better at a sport to make the team next time around. Growing, obviously, can mean many different things.
To make things a little easier, it might be beneficial to look at a setback as a moment to catch our breath. In that moment, it’s important to remember that facing a setback doesn’t make you any less of a person or make the effort you’ve put into something matter less. The work you’ve put in doesn’t go anywhere when something doesn’t work out or something stops us from reaching a goal. It might be helpful to think that, while we may have faced a setback, we don’t need to also set ourselves back even further in response.
To recap how to regain confidence:
- Practice being mindful of not staying in the emotion of anger or sadness for too long.
- Remind yourself that a setback can be an opportunity to grow that you maybe would not have taken on your own.
- Take a pause and breathe.
- Remind yourself out loud or in your head that this setback does not make you any less and does not state any facts about who you are.
As always, you don’t have to do this solo! We are happy to help walk this journey with you and guide you through it, when needed. Let’s come up with a plan together!
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