How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
with Lori Kaniewski, LCPC (IL), LPC (MO), Clinical Supervisor of our Collinsville office
Many people worry they’ll disappoint others, seem selfish, or damage relationships by saying “no,” asking for a need to be met, or establishing a boundary. Some of us may even believe that considering our own needs and limits is putting ourselves “above others.” Boundaries remind us that we are on the same playing field as everyone else – everyone is allowed to have and enforce their own boundaries. The truth is, healthy boundaries don’t need to be walls that push people away—they can be guidelines that protect our time, energy, well-being, and the health of a relationship. Establishing and enforcing boundaries can be hard, but the good news is that boundaries become easier with practice, and they often strengthen relationships rather than weaken them.
First of all…What are boundaries, really?
Boundaries are the limits you set to define what you’re comfortable with and how you expect others to treat you. They help protect our emotional, physical, and mental health while creating mutual respect in our relationships. They can be great guidelines for ourselves – knowing what we are willing to engage with and what we are not. It can also be a great way to learn who respects us and honors our needs, and who does not. We teach others how we want to be treated through our boundaries.
Different types of boundaries:
- Physical (our personal space, the spaces we reside in, physical touch)
- Emotional (our feelings)
- Intellectual (our thoughts and ideas)
- Sexual (our emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality)
- Material (our money and possessions)
- Time (how we use our time)
Healthy boundaries might include:
- Valuing our own opinion
- Not compromising our values for others
- Sharing personal information in appropriate ways (based on setting and nature of the relationship)
- Knowing our own wants and needs, and we can communicate them
- Accepting when others communicate a boundary or tell us “no.”
Rigid boundaries may look like:
- Avoiding intimacy and close relationships
- Unlikely to ask for help
- Having few close relationships
- Very protective of personal information
- May seem detached, even with romantic partners
- Keeping others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection
Porous boundaries may look like:
- Oversharing personal information
- Difficulty saying “no” to the request of others
- Overwhelmed and overconcerned with other people’s problems
- Dependent on the opinion of others
- Accepting abuse or disrespect
- Fearing rejection if we do not comply with others’ requests
Reframing the concept:
Instead of seeing boundaries as rejection, view them as an act of honesty.
When we communicate our limits clearly, we’re authentic rather than pretending we are okay with something that drains us. Healthy relationships can handle honest communication.
Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others, it’s about taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions. Boundaries are all about what WE are going to do about it when someone pushes on or violates our boundaries.
So, why do we feel guilty when we try to establish boundaries?
Guilt often comes from beliefs we’ve learned over time, such as:
- “I should always help others.” -or- “I’m not allowed to say no.”
- “If I say no, people won’t like me.” -or- “If I say no, I will get in trouble.”
- “Putting myself first is selfish.” -or- “My needs are selfish.”
- “I am only loveable if I am of service to others.”
- “Putting everyone else above myself shows that I am a good person.”
- “I am responsible for how other’s feel.”
- “Discomfort means I have done something wrong.”
- “Why risk asking for my needs to be met, nobody cares about me.”
Do any of these sound familiar to you? These beliefs can lead to people-pleasing, burnout, and resentment. Remember, saying yes to everyone else often means saying no to our own needs.
Unsure of where to start? Start small.
If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, begin with simple situations. Small successes build confidence for bigger conversations later.
For example:
- Decline an invitation when we genuinely need rest.
- Let a friend know we’re unavailable after a certain hour. (And then follow through!)
- Take a lunch break without checking work emails.
Note to remember: A boundary that is not enforced (followed through on) is not really a boundary. It’s more of a preference, a request, or an empty threat. If my words say no, but I end up giving in and doing it anyway, then I violated my own boundary. We cannot expect others to respect our boundaries if we do not respect them ourselves.
Communicate clearly and kindly.
We don’t need a lengthy explanation to justify our boundaries. Being respectful does not require over-explaining or apologizing for our needs.
Try phrases like:
- “I won’t be able to make it.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I need some time to recharge.”
- “I’m not available this weekend.”
We can even communicate boundaries without saying any words – by showing people through our actions.
Examples:
- I don’t want to be yelled at and belittled, so I exit those conversations.
- I don’t want to get angry and say something I will regret, so I pause and give myself a break to manage my emotions.
- I know someone I am uncomfortable being around is going to be at an event, so I choose not to engage with them or focus on them.
- I don’t want to feel pressure to answer an email on my day off, so I do not look at my emails when I am not at work.
Accept that not everyone will be happy.
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is realizing that some people may not like them.
People who benefited from our lack of boundaries may resist the change. That doesn’t mean our boundary is wrong. It simply means the relationship is adjusting to healthier expectations.
We are not responsible for managing everyone’s reactions. People are allowed to feel however they feel and do not need to be rescued (or prevented) from experiencing emotions.
Let go of the desire to please everyone.
Trying to make everyone happy is an impossible goal. Our worth isn’t measured by how much we sacrifice for others. It’s measured by who we are—not by how available we are. The people who genuinely care about us will learn to respect our limits, even if they need time to adjust.
Practice self-compassion.
Feeling guilty doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong. It often means we’re doing something new. Give ourselves permission to prioritize our mental and emotional health and treat ourselves how we desire to treat others. If we do not take care of ourselves, who will? The relationship we have with ourself is the most important relationship we have – it’s the only one we have 24/7! Celebrate each time we honor our needs instead of criticizing ourselves for it. Like any new skill, boundary-setting becomes more natural with practice.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s essential. They help protect our peace, improve our relationships, and allow us to show up as our best self.
The next time guilt appears after saying “no,” we can remind ourselves that protecting our well-being isn’t something we need to apologize for.
Healthy boundaries create healthier lives and healthier relationships. And the more we practice them, the less guilt we’ll carry—and the more confidence we’ll gain.
Need help figuring out boundaries and how to follow through on them? Any of the therapists at Owens Counseling can help guide you and support you on this journey!
With offices in Collinsville, Lake in the Hills, St. Charles, and Schaumburg, Illinois (plus telehealth), our team is here to help you build the connections, confidence, and support system you deserve!
View the list of our clinicians to see who you feel like you would connect with the most.
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