Ditching “New Year, New Me”: Choosing Self-Acceptance
By: Savannah Walker, LPC
How often do you make a New Year’s resolution only to ditch it a few weeks in?
There’s something strange about how our society responds to “Happy New Year” with “cool, time to fix everything that’s wrong with me.” Celebration barely has time to settle before gyms are flooded, investments are made, and hobbies are started with the optimism of someone who definitely thinks this year will be different.
As a therapist, I’m not anti-goals. I will never respond to someone’s hopes for change with, “How dare you want something better for yourself.” I also acknowledge that many people use New Years as a jumping off point and actually stick with it. With that said, I often encounter clients who beat themselves up the moment they skip a gym day, which causes a spiral to skip a gym month, then next thing you know it’s been a year and we’re back to square one. If January is the Super Bowl of self-improvement, February is the World Cup of pretending we never made those goals in the first place. And somehow, we always decide the problem is us.
You don’t need New Year.
There’s 365 days of the year, which means you have 365 chances to set goals. For many people, setting all of your goals on one day is a lot of pressure to put on a date on the calendar, creating a “ship has sailed” feeling if/when you experience your first set back. To me, that sounds an awful lot like black and white thinking. For example, if I had decided that I’m going to lose weight for my New Year’s Resolution, I might start January 1st with a list of things that I need to start doing immediately: eat more fruits and veggies, go to the gym more, get my step count up, join a weight loss program, go for morning runs… that’s a lot of changes to make at once.
Change doesn’t work like teleportation; it’s more like a hike. Small, meaningful steps contribute to progress towards a goal. You’re allowed to make changes in March, or on a Tuesday, or after you have had a nap. Instead of thinking I’m going to be a new person starting January 1st, try organizing by the end goal, and the small steps to get there.
Consider your why.
Are you making a New Years resolution because you have interest in a goal that would support your life, or because you feel like it would make you more likeable to yourself? Or out of shame? Comparison? If your why is self-rejection, your goals tend to turn into punishment. If the goal is self-care, they’re more likely to stick.
What if you’re not a problem to solve?
What if you didn’t have to reach some imaginary finish line to accept yourself? What if self-acceptance didn’t have to come with conditions? Despite what capitalism tells you, self-hatred isn’t usually a great motivator. If you’re only able to accept yourself if you changed certain things, you’re likely to notice that the finish line keeps moving. The “I’ll be happy when…” mindset is a rigged game. It turns goals into moving targets: you either reach them and still feel empty, or you miss them and use it as evidence that you’re failing. Either way, you don’t actually get to feel good. The real question is: how would your goals change if they came from self-acceptance instead of self-criticism?
Maybe this year doesn’t need a reinvention, but a truce. You don’t have to become someone else to deserve a life that feels better. Happiness isn’t a destination. Set goals as you desire, but let them be rooted in self-care, not punishment. You’re not behind. You’re not broken.
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