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FOMO and Friendship: Staying Okay When You Feel Left Out

By Zach DeVore, LCPC

Fear of Missing Out, known as FOMO, is a powerful experience that is often dramatically unpleasant for the person experiencing. While it is a relatively universal experience we actually did not have a name for it until a marketing campaign in the early 2000’s. And it wasn’t even identified as a psychological concept until 1996. The first popular uses of the term centered on people missing out on special events like concerts or on deals. Since then it has expanded to be a term that we use to better understand the specific concerns that people can feel within a relationship.

FOMO within a friendship can look like feeling a sense of sadness or anxiety when you find out that friends are doing things that you are not involved in. Imagine a scenario where you have a group of friends, and you find out that some of the members of that friend group are going to an amusement park and they did not invite you. How would you feel? What would be going through your mind in that moment?

There is no right answer to the question, but let’s look at what some people’s experiences might be. Before we do it is important to remember that emotions are always valid to feel, and if you look at those questions and go “I wouldn’t feel anything unpleasant” that is completely valid. While Fear of Missing Out implies that the focus is fear, our emotions are often multi-faceted and layered. Oftentimes we do not feel things in isolation and people can feel multiple things at the same time.

Reaction 1: Anxiety

For some people when they think about that scenario, they will immediately notice the telltale signs of anxiety. Racing thoughts, rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, etc. The underlying causes for this anxiety can be very diverse and this is by no means a comprehensive list. Fear of friends not valuing you or the relationship the same way that you do. Fear of missing out on fun bonding experiences that will change the dynamic of the friend group. Fear that friends are starting to pull away from you, or that they secretly don’t like you.

Reaction 2: Anger

Anger is a common emotion that goes hand in hand with fear. Fear is the emotion that tells us that we do not perceive ourselves as being safe. This perception does not have to involve physical safety, but can also look at mental safety, relationship safety, emotional safety, etc. When we do not perceive ourselves as being safe, that can trigger our innate fight or flight response, and anger is often associated with the idea of Fight. So why might a person feel angry in this type of scenario? It could be feeling disrespected that you were not invited or included? Or it could be tied to feeling like you are putting more into the relationship than your friends are.

Reaction 3: Sadness

When we experience unpleasant emotions there is often a sense or a perception of loss. This can be a tangible loss, or it can also be a more intangible sense of loss. Loss of respect, loss of regard, loss of connection, are all types of loss. Sadness is the emotion that is associated with the perception of loss. In the scenario presented, the sense of loss could be a perceived loss of friendship, or of the closeness that you felt was presence. It could also be the loss of the experience that the other friends are getting to enjoy without you.

All 3 of those reactions are perfectly valid, as well as not having a reaction to it at all. Not everyone experiences FOMO, or at the very least do not experience it in the same circumstances. So that raises the question about what we do in such situations. Ultimately what is happening is that there is a sense of insecurity about the relationship or at the very least your standing within the relationship. When we experience insecurity there are two essential ways that we can handle that insecurity.

The first way to manage feelings of insecurity is to spend some time in self-reflection. FOMO, especially if it is sudden or unexpected, can catch us off guard and make it difficult for us to process our thoughts and feelings. Spending sometime in self-reflection can often help to clarify our thoughts and help us see things more clearly instead of viewing it through a purely emotional lens. This can help us to evaluate if there is an actual reason for us to feel anxious and insecure, or if there is possibly another explanation. It could be that there was a miscommunication and those friends thought that we were busy. It could be that they felt like it was something we wouldn’t enjoy. There are a number of reasons why we might not have been included that are not personal.

The other way to manage the feeling of insecurity is to ultimately confront the individuals involved. This can be nerve-wracking on its own, because it involves being vulnerable in a moment where we feel hurt, which can be difficult for people. Confrontation can also include a new source of anxiety, because we do not always know how people will react to confrontation. Even if we approach it gently and with kindness there can be a fear that people will still react poorly. If you determine that confronting is the option that you want to go with, there are a few things that are important to remember.

Do not approach the confrontation with an accusation, that can often put people on the defensive. Instead of accusing, focus on sharing your perspective with an openness to hearing and understanding their perspective.
When you, I feel Statements: These type of statements are important in helping us focus on approaching a situation without confrontation. “When you made plans and didn’t invite me, I felt scared/angry/hurt” That will help keep the focus on the issue at hand, which is the underlying emotion.
People are rarely actively malicious: This is not to say that people are NEVER actively malicious. That sometimes does happen, and that is always hurtful and problematic when that happens. Outside of those circumstances, the vast majority of conflicts are a result of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Keeping this in mind helps to focus on an ultimate goal of re-connecting.

Experiencing FOMO can be a negative experience, and one that is difficult for people to get through. What is also important to remember, is that usually this feeling is fleeting and that it will not last forever. If you find that these feelings are lingering or that you are having difficulty in figuring out how to move forward, talking to someone can help!

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