How to Disagree Without Disrespect: A Guide to Healthy “Fights” 

Written by Savannah Walker, Master Level Clinical Intern

It’s a tale as old as time, two people meet and fall in love as the stars align and the music swells… then they inevitably get into an argument.

While many people may accept that arguments are simply going to result in disrespectful encounters, I hold the belief that there are respectful ways to disagree. It is possible to argue without having a mountain of things that warrant an apology. And no, this isn’t magic. It’s skill.

Being in a relationship is a skill. Many of us didn’t develop the skills needed to be in a relationship or to have these respectful exchanges. Even if you did, we are constantly learning how to live in our own skin while living with a partner. That’s ok! Areas for improvement aren’t anything to be ashamed of. After all, if we were all honest with ourselves, we would be able to admit that we all have areas for improvement.

So how do you disagree respectfully? Here are some practices that you can put into place to disagree in a healthy, respectful way. This isn’t an easy or exhaustive list, and these practices can take time and effort to master.

Adopt a mindset of “us vs the problem”.

Often, disagreements can result in each partner aiming to be correct instead of working towards a solution. It’s like we crave hearing “you’re right”. Even if you did hear those two words, would we really be satisfied? Instead, adjust your mindset. It’s not you versus your partner; it’s you AND your partner versus the problem.

Listen to understand.

How often do you listen just enough to respond? It’s like every sentence you’re taking in is prompting the formation of your retort. Instead of aiming to have a response, what if you aimed to understand instead? Understanding each other can change the problem entirely!

De-escalation is key.

If someone angrily said, “you always do this!”, wouldn’t you immediately be defensive? A lot of de-escalation is understanding how your words and tone can change the situation. Instead of phrases like, “you always do this!”, try phrases like “when you don’t listen to me, I feel unimportant and frustrated”. Our tone, words, and patterns matter. See how you can change it up in a way that keep the disagreement calm. Sometimes, the best way to deescalate is to take a break from the conversation entirely.

Set ground rules.

Setting rules/boundaries during fights can help disagree without disrespect. Common ones could include no cursing, no insults, keeping on the topic at hand, etc. Rules is one of the first things I establish with the couples I work with- it makes a huge difference!

Know that you don’t have to agree.

Often, we take disagreements personally. On many issues, it’s okay to simply disagree.

These practices can help put you on a journey to a healthier relationship. If you want to improve your relationship and understand these practices while digging deeper into the roots of your relationship, contact us at Owens Counseling (admin@owenscounseling.com) to make an appointment with one of our clinicians!

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