Self-Validation: What, Why, and How

Written by Lori Kaniewski, NCC, LCPC (IL), LPC (MO)

What is self-validation? Well, to help understand that concept better, let’s start by looking at the skill of validation. There are many ways to offer validation. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, created by Marsha Linehan) outlines multiple different ways to validate someone.

  1. Pay attention
  • Give your undivided attention. Really listen to what someone is saying and try not to get distracted by what we are thinking or what is going on around us. Be interested and curious about what they are sharing with us. Do not attempt to multitask. Try not to focus on what you want to say in response. This is a great way to show someone that we care about what they are sharing with us.
  1. Reflect back
  • Reflect/repeat back what you heard the other person say. Try to be as accurate as possible. Avoid judgmental language, tone of voice or facial expressions. This is a great way to check for accuracy in our listening skills. It also allows the other person an opportunity to offer more clarification or elaborate on what they are trying to convey to us.
  1. “Read Minds”/Guess what they are feeling
  • Pay attention to nonverbal communication. What are you observing? Try to guess how they are feeling and ask about it. Do not assume we know how they are feeling based on our observations. This is a great way to show someone we are paying attention to them, and we want to know what is going on for them. It is also a great way to check if our observations are accurate or not. Just because we know someone well does not mean we know their internal world as they do. It’s okay to be wrong.
  1. Show understanding/Put yourself in their shoes
  • Imagine what it is like to be them. How have their past and present circumstances affected their thoughts, feelings and actions? How does it make sense that they are experiencing what they are experiencing?
  1. Acknowledge universal human experiences
  • If you think other people would feel similarly in the same situation, then say “It makes sense you feel that way, anyone else in this situation would feel the same.” This is a gentle reminder that we are not alone and our reactions to situations can be universally experienced by others.
  1. Show equality
  • Treat the other person as your equal, not as less than, greater than, or as fragile or incompetent. Stay away from comments that “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Ask someone if they want to hear a similar experience to show equality and understanding before jumping right into sharing something about ourselves.
  1. Show up/Follow through with behaviors/Acknowledge the valid
  • Responding to expressed needs, wants, and feelings from others by doing something. This can sometimes be more impactful than words. It shows the person that we are not only listening to them, we hear them. If someone tells me they are hungry, I am going to offer them food and drink – not reflect back or show understanding with words alone (example: “It makes sense that you are hungry because I heard you say you have not eaten anything all day.”).

Helpful tip: Validation does not mean you need to agree with someone to find understanding for their perspective. It is not telling someone they are right or wrong in how they feel, even if their perspective differs from yours.

So, why validate? It improves our relationships by showing we are listening to understand. It improves interpersonal effectiveness by reducing the pressure to prove who is right, reducing negative reactivity, and reducing anger. It makes problem solving, closeness, and support possible And, as I’m sure we all know – invalidation hurts.

The good news: If offering validation to others helps improve our relationship with them, then practicing self-validation helps improve the relationship we have with ourselves. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have. It’s the only one we have every minute of every day.

Practicing self-validation promotes emotional resilience by becoming less affected by criticism or rejection. We learn to trust our instincts and make choices that align with our values, rather than trying to please others. We learn to appreciate ourselves for who we are, rather than basing our value on external approval. When we don’t rely on others to validate us, our relationships become more balanced and fulfilling.

So, next time you notice yourself experiencing an emotion, take a moment to listen. Be curious about your experience. Avoid judging yourself or your emotion too quickly. Be wary of “should” statements. What are you feeling? How does it make sense that you are feeling that way? What could this emotion be trying to tell you? What do you need from yourself? How can you proceed in a way that aligns with your goals and values? Validate yourself exactly the same way you would validate someone you care about. You deserve the same kindness and compassion you can so easily offer others.

If this skill interests you and you want additional support and accountability while you learn and practice validation and self-validation, any of our therapists at Owens Counseling can walk along side you on that journey. We are more than willing to have your back while you learn to have your own back!

~ Call us at 847-854-4333 ~